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Which means that a curious teenager not only has ready access to graphic material, but also can engage in sexual experimentation with peers that would be next to impossible in everyday life.


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One might reasonably ask whether such heightened early awareness of sexual orientation is always a good thing. Late last summer, Jeffrey returned from a family vacation and wrote to me in an e-mail message: Online boyfriends and girlfriends were common among the gay teenagers I spoke with. In some cases, the relationships had a sexual component, but what startled me was the level of closeness and intimacy teenagers derived from these cyberrelationships. Jeffrey explained how he and C.

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They were also more likely to have at least one off-line confidante — a parent, a friend, even several friends — who knew about their sexual orientation and accepted it. Even so I mostly hang around with the popular crowd. Online, Jane, who says she has known she was gay since the fifth grade, has been able to find a number of lesbian girls her own own age.

When I asked Jane whether having an online girlfriend — whom I will call S. Ya never know tho. I never had the impression you were fighting. How do you fight by e-mail? Can you give an example of something you would fight about? We would fight about no trust in the relationship, not talking, etc. Soon after, Jane mentioned in another instant message she sent that she and S. Then it sounds the same as before. Before … meaning? Before you broke up. We never had much to say to each other. Do you think you might get back together?

Oh, heavens no. True, but neither I nor she is interested. Two months later, as school began, Jane wrote to me: Where does the drama end?

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The remarkable thing is that via the Internet, gay teenagers are now able to partake of the normal Sturm und Drang of adolescent life, which before was largely off limits to them. Jeffrey told me once, speaking of his relationship with C.: You have to talk. It creates this intimacy between you; it draws you closer. To understand the texture of this online loitering, I got in the habit of asking gay teenagers what they had on their screens at a particular moment — it was usually some combination of homework, e-mail, games, browser searches, chat rooms and, most of all, instant-messaging sessions — often several at one time.

The resulting dialogues tend to be fragmented and desultory, like a hybrid of a telegram and an overseas phone call. Now an eighth grader, he is online several hours each day. Early on in our correspondence, P. I refused his offer. You can tell that I feel sorry for him. It could have been either; teenage boys often visit adult chat rooms to meet older men a number mentioned to me a wish to find an older gay man who would serve as a mentor or a role model , and older men notoriously troll the teen chat rooms, sometimes pretending to be teenagers themselves.

Among the most popular chat rooms are those at Gay. There is plenty of frank sexual talk, which at times — evenings especially — makes up the bulk of conversation in the male teenage chat rooms, and to a much lesser extent in the lesbian teenage rooms. Chat-room occupants wishing to cyber together will usually switch to a Pvt. There, they generally trade basic A.

Not all gay teenagers are into cybering; a number of the boys I met online complained that the pervasive sex talk eclipsed more substantive conversation. And even boys like P. I just made another online boyfriend yesterday. He asked me if I wanted to have a relationship with him. Um, cyber with him, support him. And what made you answer yes? Did you like him particularly? When I asked P. I think about him every day. The prospect of older men preying on teenagers is a very real issue in the online gay community — though the problem is by no means limited to gays.

How to Make Friends in the GLBT Teen Community

Jeff Edelman, president of the Student Center, a Web community for college students and high-school students, straight and gay, says that he worries equally about the danger of older men preying on young girls in the heterosexual chat rooms. Among gay teenage boys, the attitude toward older men known as oldies or sugar daddies ranges from amusement to weary frustration over the fact that, rather than serving as friends and guides, the men seem to care only for sex.

The boy eventually filed a restraining order against the man and still worries that he will be stalked again. But most of the run-ins I heard of between teenage boys and older men were less aggressive than that and ranged in tone from consensual to creepy. Kyle, the year-old from Florida, told me about an online relationship of several weeks he had with a fellow year-old who later admitted he was actually 30 and married, with three children of his own.

He seemed to know everything about teen life, like he knew what clothes were popular, and how we talked, stupid abbreviations like Phat for cool. Ultimately, the man confessed. I flipped. It was a huge shock. Unlike most of the kids I met, Kyle is out to his parents and his peers.


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Online, he impressed me as a cheerful and well-adjusted kid — in a picture he e-mailed me, I was struck by his broad grin and sharp, all-American looks. His mother, while accepting his sexuality, has been adamant that he not become involved with another boy, Kyle told me. We both agreed that we thought sitting home and hanging out watching TV or playing board games was a really big turn on.

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Kyle and Brad moved from instant messaging to the telephone, and Brad, who lives 10 miles away, was pushing for a face-to-face meeting. Kyle was reluctant. It would be my first physical relationship.

Nonetheless, a majority of gay teenagers I spoke with had met at least one person they had gotten to know over the Internet. Among lesbian teenagers, real-world meetings seem to be less common. Some had formed permanent relationships; others had hooked up with older men and had sex — sometimes safe sex, other times not. A young man I corresponded with who advises gay teenagers through the Gay Student Center Web site recommends viewing multiple pictures of a person before actually meeting, and ideally, speaking to them via Web cam to make sure that picture and person match up.

I went to the local coffee shop to see my year-old blue-eyed stud turn into a year-old, pound dud. I walked out without speaking to him. According to the Gay Student Center adviser I exchanged e-mail with, plenty of pictures are simply fake. Nah, I would say about 26 seriously. Actually, 38!! Almost an oldie. I was off.

See how the Net hides that? Could have got me out on a date. Except I am gay!

Information for GLBT Youth on Finding Like-Minded Teens

He sent me an instant message that same day:. I met Brad today, it was cool. Were you nervous? Oh, yeah, very! I tried to be perfect in every way. We arranged it at a restaurant near me. It was walking distance. And did he look the way you expected? Ummm, he was definitely a little different from his picture. He had a different haircut, skinnier than I expected, and his face looked a little different all together. Did he seem more attractive or less so, at first? At first, he seemed less attractive, but as time went on, he started to look more attractive to me. And what did you talk about?

Just about everything. Clothes, back-to-school, friends, parents, the food, the restaurant, anything really. What did you think of him, in the end? Before I met him, I had a list of the pros and cons of him. He seems very stuck up, rich, and has an attitude, and can be rude sometimes. Nice, good-looking, good sense of humor and a good personality.


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  7. But when meeting him today, I had one more con: So how does that change your feelings about him, if at all?